


Lie[s]

by lesbijkas



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Gen, Sirius' life by seeing who he loves/has loved, Sirius-centric so other tagged characters are talked about but not the main focus, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-11 01:31:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12311985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbijkas/pseuds/lesbijkas
Summary: Sirius Black had lived a loveless life.His death held no love as a result.





	Lie[s]

**[-]**

Sirius Black had lived a loveless life.

He had rejected his family, betrayed those who believed they could trust him unconditionally, tried to murder Harry Potter when the boy was only thirteen, and disappeared without a trace, unable to be brought to justice for his actions.

He hadn’t dated anyone, hadn’t left behind a child to take over the House of Black, he had merely taken his life for granted and did exactly what was expected of him. He was a dark wizard by affiliation. His house at Hogwarts had not changed that. His hatred for his family hadn’t changed that. His friends hadn’t changed that. Nothing had changed that. Nothing had changed _him_.

He had been as anyone would have expected an heir of an ancient and noble house, and that is what made those who thought they had known him, whether it had been for days, months, or years, try to pretend he had never existed in the first place.

_Sirius Black had lived a loveless life._

His death held no love as a result.

**[i]**

 The first person Sirius Black had ever fallen in love with had been his baby brother. He could remember only vague flashes of Regulus’ delivery: his father standing in the hallway outside of the master bedroom, his hands clasped tightly together as his mother’s grunts and screams were cut off my a silencing charm, his mother’s disheveled frame covered in blankets as the medi-witch stood over a shallow basin full of water, and the garbled wails that had filled the room, which he had almost never been in, coming from the bundle placed into his father’s arms.

He could vividly remember when he had sat down at the foot of his parent’s bed, feet dangling and not even close to touching the floor, as his mother showed him how to hold the baby. He was barely two himself, still in child’s robes with baby fat clinging to his everything, but Regulus had been so much smaller, so much chubbier, so much more delicate than he ever remembered himself being.

Regulus could fit in his lap, his eyes closed and his face scrunched up as he wasn’t truthfully asleep. His skin was rosy, soft, and smooth, fading slowly into pale skin with only rosy cheeks and ears left behind. He had a tuft of black hair on his head, a button nose that wiggled, ten toes and ten fingers that did the same, and eyes, when Sirius could finally see them after they opened to look at Sirius in what only could been awe, that matched Sirius’ and their father, Orion’s, down to the very shade.

He didn’t do much, as babies normally wouldn’t, other than rest calmly in Sirius’ arms as the adults in the room talked and the medi-witch was paid for her services. Regulus had started to squirm within a few minutes after she had left through the floo, one of his feet managing to poke out of the swaddling blanket, crying out for something, someone.

His mother took Regulus back, she treated him gently which was surprising to Sirius as she was never one to be overly so, and he was ushered from the room by his father, who was softly muttering about Regulus being hungry.

Sirius didn’t get to hold Regulus until the next week, down in the formal parlor where his parents had finally stopped showing the baby off to aunts, uncles, and cousins. He cradled Regulus gently in his lap once more, letting Regulus grip some of Sirius’ fingers with his fist, eyes once again wide looking into Sirius’ matching pair.

Dinner would be starting soon, and Regulus would be put to sleep by Kreacher before hand, so he pulled his fingers back. Or tried to. Regulus kept his grip firm, refusing to let go unless Sirius wasn’t as gentle. But Sirius had to be gentle, Regulus was so _tiny_ and _quiet_ and _fragile_ , so he stopped tugging and let him be.

Regulus, without any teeth and cheeks bunching under his eyes, smiled at Sirius in the next instant, a happy sounding gurgling noise causing Sirius’ own expression to brighten because his brother, _his_ little baby brother, was perfect.

**[ii]**

Sirius became intrigued by the man who would deliver milk to the muggle neighbors. When he was supposed to be asleep, very early in the morning, the house quiet other than an ominous creak every now and again, the man would show up in his automobile to place milk on the doorsteps of number eleven and number thirteen Grimmauld Place.

He liked to muggle watch when his parents weren’t paying attention. It was easy to do because his father worked in the ministry sometimes, or he went to different events hosted by families Sirius had to memorize. His mother would often leave to go somewhere too, though he never asked as he didn’t want to get yelled at.

Regulus was only three, still so tiny with such wide eyes it made Sirius’ heart burst when Regulus would smile or laugh because of something he did. When he was distracted by Kreacher, so Kreacher wouldn’t be watching him do what he was not supposed to be doing, or when everyone was asleep, he would watch those outside in silence.

Muggles were very interesting. They did interesting things and wore interesting clothes. They didn’t have magic, that much was apparent, but they had so much creativity. They had done so much without magic and would do so much more.

Sirius wanted to know them, wanted to understand them. He wanted to see their world, hear their thoughts, and simply envelope his mind in what it meant to be a muggle.

His parents, his family, all those he had ever met, would do unmentionable things to him if they knew. If they knew of his intimate desire, his want, his need, to go beyond the wizarding world, he would be cast aside, scorned, deemed a traitor, and left to die.

So, he kept his thoughts secret. He watched the muggles alone when no one was watching him. He waited for his chance.

**[iii]**

Sirius fell in love with his cousin Andromeda after she ran away to marry a muggleborn. _A_ _mudblood_ , his mother had spat. A frown had marred his father’s face, eyebrows furrowing together, lips drawn in a tight line. He said nothing when his mother blasted Andromeda off of the family tapestry. As far as she, and now the House of Black, was concerned, Bellatrix and Narcissa were now the only sisters on his uncle’s side of the family.

He had found Regulus sobbing in his bedroom two weeks later, his left cheek red from a slap most likely delivered by their mother. He hadn’t understood why he couldn’t mention Andromeda. She was nice, she was kind, she was smart, and she had always made time for her younger cousins, to tell them stories about Hogwarts and the wizarding world.

_‘W-why can’t I ask about her? Did something happen?’_

_‘She isn’t a member of the family anymore Reggie.’_

_‘Why?’_

Why? It was a valid question. Sirius knew it was, but their parents, their entire family, were set in their ways and views on the world. Muggles were considered scum, muggleborns less than the dirt on the bottom of their shoes. For Andromeda to run away to marry a muggleborn rather than the wizard she was betrothed to was unthinkable. Inconceivable. Indescribable. Yet, she had done it.

_‘Because she married a muggleborn, and our family doesn’t like muggleborns. They think they are bad members of society and should not be a part of the wizarding world.’_

Regulus looked at him with tears still glistening in his eyes.

_‘Do you think that too?’_

Sirius was quiet for a moment, then for two, before he answered, _‘No.’_

_‘Do I have to think that too?’_

_‘No, of course not-’_

_‘Sirius.’_

Then, Regulus had frozen, looking over Sirius’ shoulder towards the doorway in his room. Sirius turned to look, face paling at the form of his father, his expression pinched like it had been when uncle had flooed the house to tell him Andromeda was gone. Sirius felt a lump form in his throat.

He knew. His father now knew.

He knew.

_‘Come to my office. Now.’_

Regulus reached out to grasp his robe sleeve, hand shaking in fear. Fear for his brother. For what could happen. For what was going to happen. Sirius only shook his head before following his father’s heavy echoing footsteps upstairs towards the office he was never allowed into unless he was being scolded. Or punished.

Sirius gulped.

(It was the last time he and Regulus spoke of such things. The last time he and Regulus saw eye to eye on such matters. Because Regulus eventually did think _that_ , didn’t understand why Sirius didn’t, felt betrayed when Sirius seemed to change before his very eyes when Sirius had always been going to be how he was.

Regulus did exactly what Sirius vowed to never do, and he died for it.)

The office door shut behind him, his father’s expression akin to a storm.

**[iv]**

Alphard Black pulled Sirius aside when he was eleven. He would be going to Hogwarts in a few months. His parents, still cold and cruel as they had always been, since his father had caught him speaking sympathetically about muggleborns, only hoped what seemed to be sparks of rebellion died down within time.

Sirius would be sorted into Slytherin, they spoke of it all the time. It would sort him out. It would make him understand.

He didn’t want to be in Slytherin. He wanted to be anywhere but Slytherin. It could be Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, the sorting hat could tell him he couldn’t be a part of any house and he would happy because he wouldn’t be a Slytherin.

_‘I know it has been rough Sirius, but you will be leaving soon and you will be able to make your own decisions. Follow your heart, not what Walburga and Orion tell you to do.’_

Sirius hadn’t been able to speak, but he had nodded rapidly, a smile appearing on his face.

_‘I will be happy to have a nephew in any house.’_

And Sirius had laughed, finally, feeling a weight lift off his shoulders. Alphard had winked, eyes twinkling, and Sirius finally knew there was a way out of his life after all.

**[v]**

Sirius could never pinpoint when he had fallen head over heels for James Potter.

They had met on the train before first year, Sirius trying to avoid his relatives or anyone he knew from the social gatherings his parents would drag him and Regulus to. James had been curled up on one of the cushioned benches, fiddling with his wand, his glasses taking up the upper part of his face. He had looked up when Sirius walked in, mouth dropping open when he realized just who Sirius was.

_‘You! You’re the Black heir!’_

_‘No, I think you’re talking about the other Sirius Black.’_

And James had burst out laughing, eyes closing as guffaws filled the small room as if Sirius’ response was one of the funniest things he’d ever heard. His laughter didn’t peter out right away, shoulders bouncing and cheeks going dark as his whole self was taken over with humor. With happiness.

_‘You’re not too bad Sirius, not to bad at all.’_

It was Sirius turn to smile, especially when James extended his hand.

_‘Want to be friends?’_

So, they had decided, right there and then, to be best friends for the rest of their lives. It had surprisingly worked out, as Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor. They sat next to each other in the Great Hall, in class, in the common room, and on each other’s beds at night when they talked about anything and everything.

They were the best of friends, for years upon years, many laughs shared between them and spread to others.

So Sirius grew up with James. He became James’ brother in everything but blood. Moved in with James when he finally ran away from his parents oh so loving care. Stood as James’ best man when he got married to the love of his life, delivering the sappiest and joy filled speech he could over champagne and cake causing James to laugh and cry all over again.

He adored James, Prongs, his closest and most trusted friend, until the very end.

~~Until he found James’ body lifeless in the wreckage that used to be James’ home.~~

**[vi]**

He didn’t exactly fall in love with Peter, not really. The relationship he had with him was entirely different than the ones had had before, than the brotherhood he shared with James and the adoration he felt for Regulus.

He liked Peter. He wanted to protect Peter. Peter wasn’t an outgoing person. He was mostly quiet, very shy, and didn’t make eye contact unless he trusted you. Unless he _knew_ you, understood you, he was an imitation of a wallflower. He deserved happiness. Deserved friendship.

Sirius saved Peter a muffin when he missed breakfast, offering it with a grin and a pat on the shoulder. Peter, quiet Peter, had looked so very happy and grateful that someone would do such a thing.

Sirius would never regret bringing Peter into their fold.

Not until it was too late.

**[vii]**

Remus Lupin was the final piece of the friendship puzzle he had started with James and Peter. He too was quiet, but observant. Unmoving, yet vigilant. He did his work, kept his head down, and didn’t seem to talk to anyone.

He too was in Gryffindor. He shared a dorm room with the other three, and had done so for months. They had never gotten past small talk, awkward small talk that seemed to make Remus _reek_ nervousness as if he was expecting something terrible to happen any moment.

It takes months of Sirius and James and Peter trying to connect with Remus until the other finally snaps. He isn’t another Peter, no; he’s intelligent, he’s witty, and he had finally had enough of their ‘antagonizing.’

So he opened up. Slowly, but surely, he became comfortable with their friendship, welcoming of their presence, and happy, seemingly relieved, he had friends, true honest to Merlin friends.

When they found out he was a werewolf, when Sirius finally understood what had been going on and the way Remus had acted at the beginning, Remus had been terrified it was over. That it all had been for nothing because now they all _knew-_

The Marauders, self proclaimed and hidden as they were, took it in stride. He was still Remus, still the snarky chocolate loving book-a-holic who owned too many sweaters than was necessary, so his major panic attack had been for nothing.

When Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs ran together for the first time, full moon shinning overhead, the world was perfect. Sirius was home.

The love he felt for Remus was so much different than the love Sirius had for James and Peter. It wasn’t obvious at first, not obvious at all, but as time went on Sirius began to notice. He noticed Remus’ eyes and how they would alight with happiness and how much it made Remus seem radiant. How his fingers would fiddle with quills and chocolate bar wrappers. How his lips would quirk minutely when they were caught by McGonagall in their latest scheme. How his eyes lashes would flutter if he fell asleep on the couch in the common room.

How he eventually felt how soft Remus’ lips were pressed against his own, hands running over scars and through thick brown hair as they both ran out of oxygen, completely uncaring because it felt so right.

How, when he saw Remus for the first time in years, his hair graying and body tired, when Remus finally knew and understood what had happened wasn’t Sirius’ fault, relief and pure love filled his eyes.

How he understood why Remus needed to move on, deserved to get close to Tonks, Andromeda’s wonderful daughter who was just as amazing as her mother. How good she was for Remus. How wonderful they were for each other.

How, even though Remus had never been fully his, there was still a piece of him that Sirius carried with him always. That his heart still burst knowing Remus was alive, that Remus was happy, that Remus had his whole life to live filled with friendship and love.

How he wished he could have done more for one of the kindest men he had ever known.

**[viii]**

It was impossible not to love with Lily Evans. She was truthfully radiant, a fiery being who captured hearts with her smile and minds with her soul. One who captured James’ entire self, who enchanted Remus with conversation, who raised her eyebrows at Sirius and made him feel only a few inches tall, who managed to somehow see the best in Severus Snape for years, and be friends with all those who were willing.

He watched, year after year, time after time, as she rejected James, growing fond over his declarations as he kept going, never losing his bravado in his quest to woo Lily Evans.

Sirius could remember James coming back from their first date at Hogsmeade, face flushed feeling high as a kite because Lily had held his hand and Lily had laughed at his jokes and Lily had smiled so much, and he was so ecstatic he could die right then and there, thank you very much.

He didn’t die from her smiles though. He dated her all throughout seventh year, never faltering in his complete adoration of her entire person, and all the way out of Hogwarts. He proposed to her without a care in the world, ignoring what was happening in the world because he wanted her happy and safe.

She had looked gorgeous, as always, at their wedding, smiling the whole time, laughing and crying through Sirius’ best man speech. She danced with him that night, after dancing with James, her green eyes brilliant and filled with so many emotions he wondered how she wasn’t bursting.

_‘Thank you, Sirius.’_

_‘No need to thank me for anything Lily. I should be thanking you; you’ve made James the happiest man in the world.’_

_‘We’ve made each other the best we could be.’_

And she was right, as always.

**[ix]**

The day Sirius became a godfather was the best day of his life. He was sure Lily and James were beyond happy too, because their baby, their little baby boy who looked so much like James but had Lily’s _smile_ and Lily’s _eyes_ , was perfect in every single way. He was the cutest, most beautiful, and chubbiest baby in the world, and Sirius cried the first time he held him.

He cried when he held Harry the second time too, Remus cooing over his shoulder (because the fucker ended up being taller than Sirius after all) and waving his fingers to see if Harry would grab them.

Sirius often thought of Regulus, of his brother who hated him, who had joined the Death eaters and was exactly what their parents wanted him to be. But it was never for long, because Harry was his own person, his own baby, his own little man.

He loved peaches, loved chewing on the antler of his soft deer plush, loved when people would tickle his tummy and play peek-a-boo in the living room, loved grabbing at his mobile made of planets and stars, sticking his toes in his mouth, riding on Padfoot’s back, hearing his mother sing, laughing with his father, sleeping in Remus’ lap, and everything else his parents dreamt up to keep him squealing and smiling.

Sirius remembered Harry as a toddler, screaming out _‘Pafoo!’_ happily when he walked through the door into the living room, arms outstretched to catch the running boy, to lift him above his head with a raspberry on his stomach and a kiss to the forehead.

He is shocked when he sees Harry again, so skinny and scared, running away from home on the knightbus, falling from his broom as dementors swarm the quidditch pitch, in Gryffindor like his parents, James with Lily’s eyes but entirely Harry all the same.

He is shocked even more so when Harry finally knows, finally understands, when they will finally be able to have a life together. When it is once again taken away. When he wants to be there for Harry every way he can. In Grimmauld, the place he never wanted to return to, but could make a new life with Harry. They could be a family, the family Harry never got to have.

He loved Harry, loved Harry with all of his heart, since the day Sirius laid eyes on him he knew the kid would be loved by him, and everyone else, forever. As whispers filled his ears, Bellatrix’s cackles in the background alongside Harry’s stunned silence, he feels and expresses all of the love he can, because he is so proud of Harry.

He is so proud and would always be proud. He loved Harry more than life itself and he wanted Harry to live a full, long, peaceful life, even if Sirius couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Didn’t.

So he fell through the veil, James’ name on his lips because he wanted to say so much more, wanted to tell Harry one last time that James would have been so pleased, that Lily would have loved him so much, that Sirius is sorry because he’s gone.

He’s dead.

(And Harry screams.)

**[-]**

_Sirius Black had lived a loveless life._

But that is a lie.

**Author's Note:**

> Didn't end up indenting this one but I felt like it fit. Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Kudos and comments, but comments especially, are appreciated!!


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